I am a nice guy. Also, in my spare time I hate myself. I am coming to realize that nice guys are the unhappiest lot. So I tried to change the perception (in my eyes at least). 

I challenged myself to come up with 19 ideas of how to backstab people. But it’s not easy. Of all the things that I can do, backstabbing isn’t one of them. 

So, I asked 35 people on Whatstapp (I call the list my “Universe”), to give me some ideas. Only 2-3 people replied. I felt backstabbed. I mean I try to help them in anyway I can. And now when I ask them to help me out? Nada. 

Anyways, here’s a list of 19 ways that I could come up with. Indulge: 

  1. Just get up in the morning, take a knife and backstab a random person (preferably not in your own family. Think neighbors). Plain and simple. No questions asked. No answers given.

  2. Take away all the alternatives from the people, so that you are the only hope left (Batman style). Then dash that hope. 

  3. Leave someone at the altar. (Source: saw it in movies, don’t know any real life incidents).

  4. Plan to do group suicide. Get someone ready to suicide with you. Let them take the first attempt. Then backtrack. Incidentally, 2 weeks ago I was actually having a discussion with Katy on attempting suicide.

  5. Let your boss do everything for you. Fight for your well being. Take your side.  Be grateful for him. Then resign at a moment’s notice. Don’t give any explanation. Just leave. (Thanks Sree. I appreciate your honesty.).

  6. Ask someone you want to backstab in a language they don’t understand. Smile as you say, so as to manipulate them into saying yes. Then backstab them. That’s backstabbing them on 2 levels. (Thanks Katy).

  7. Get someone to sign their property papers on your name by fraud. So much difficult now, but I know of at least 3 such different instances. 

  8. Scare to “front stab” someone. As they start to run away, backstab them. So much easier than front stabbing. 

  9. Outsource the backstabbing job. Some people are better in the art of backstabbing than others. I come in the category of later, so this point is pretty useful for me.

  10. Promise someone to backstab someone else. Then don’t backstab the second person. First one would automatically get backstabbed. 

  11. When someone is already backstabbed before, they start to watch their backs. So, instead side-stab them by first being on their side (i.e. gaining their trust). Not technically backstabbing, but logically it’s still backstabbing. They were expecting you to backstab, but you side-stabbed. Hah!

  12. Talk trash about someone’s girlfriend (/boyfriend), so that they eventually breakup. Then steal her right under their nose. Interestingly, I know of one such real instance. 

  13. If someone backstabs you, backstab them back immediately (you always have some leverage, think about it). I call it back-to-back backstabbing. 

  14. If someone backstabs you, promise yourself to take revenge. But then forget to backstab them later. Eventually, they will harm you again. And you will regret. That’s called ‘self backstabbing’. 

  15. Backstab someone. Say sorry. Pretend to mean it so that they start trusting you again. Then backstab them again. 

  16. Lie to your kids that they will be happier if only they chose to study instead of playing now. Let them toil in their childhood in lieu of a false happier future. The kids will then grow up, realize it was all a lie, but nevertheless spread the same lies to their own kids. That’s generational backstabbing. 

  17. Don’t pay for your tuition fees. I did that once. Somehow I lost the money on the way and then pretended I had already given it earlier. It’s been 10 years since that instance. Please don’t judge me.

  18. Accept money or liquor from a candidate in exchange for your vote. Then vote for someone else. I so want to do this. If only I drank.

  19. Pretend to be someone you are not. It’s a world of being a show off. One day people will find out the truth. They will feel cheated. Ergo, backstabbed. Ask the employees of so many organizations that go bankrupt. You will know what I mean.

I don’t know what will I do with this list. May be I will use this as a reference, if I ever feel the need to backstab someone. Feel free to use these ideas yourself. And yet again, no need to give credit.